A controlling relationship does not just happen to you...on the contrary, anyone who's been involved in a controlling relationship will tell you they experienced early warning signs in the relationship that they either ignored, or worse, felt flattered by them. (yikes!)
Some signs of a controlling relationship may be initially subtle and even feel flattering early on. But as the relationship intensifies, the controlling behaviour becomes more apparently disturbing and less flattering to say the least.
Examples of Controlling Behavior:
- Asking who you were speaking with on the telephone
- “Unexpectedly” showing up
- Asking you to wear particular clothing or to behave in a particular way
These are all early signs of a controlling relationship.
The problem, of course, is that your new boyfriend/girlfriend may genuinely want to surprise you, or love to see you in a red dress or blazer and have no hidden agenda.
So, how do you determine if your relationship is headed out of your control?Controlling relationships have a clear division of power. If you wanted to express to your partner that they are behaving too controlling, how would they respond or react?
a) A non-controlling person - would likely respond with 'surprise or maybe hurt feelings'
b) A controlling person - would become defensive, making the partner feel bad for bringing up the subject so that they would apologize for thinking anything was wrong.
This is a clear warning sign of being in a controlling relationship. Why? Because the controlling partner is laying down the groundwork for the partner NOT to complain in the future by causing them too much grief and upset.
If you know what to look for in a healthy relationship,
it is easy to recognize a controlling person.
How do you avoid entering into a relationship with someone who is controlling? By taking things ssss l o w!
- Controlling relationships frequently develop rapidly.
- If the relationship seems to be developing too quickly, slow it down!
- Step back from the relationship and carefully consider how your partner is behaving.
- A controlling partner will be offended at your reservations, and instead of stepping back to give you space, they will step forward, trying to push the relationship forward even as you withdraw.
What to do if you find yourself in a controlling relationship?
- Often very controlling relationships are quite unhealthy and emotionally strenuous/draining. If you feel comfortable ending this type of relationship, do so.
- If, however, your safety is a concern, consider speaking with an officer, counsellor or family member or friend.
- Once you make the break, it's advisable NOT to agree to meet, “just 1 more time” and take any personal belongings you need to return or exchange...consider only meeting in a public place.
If you choose to stay with your controlling partner, you must ->
- 1st take 100% accountability for your happiness in the relationship.
- 2nd, face your fear of confrontation and finally stand up for yourself.
- 3rd, confront your partner that you are aware of their controlling tactics and that behavior is not acceptable for you.
- 4th, share what you desire in a healthy loving non-controlling partner and as I mentioned in a previous issue,
- 5th, be willing to have your partner be angry with you temporarily.
This will teach your partner that controlling behavior will not receive the typical payoff they were accustomed to having - your submissiveness. Only with balance can you have a healthy relationship that nurtures trust and integrity.
For further assistance, consider having couples counselling or coaching to overcome your unhealthy relationship habits.
Sincerely,
Nada
Nada Adams is a Business Intuitive who brings razor sharp Clarity to empower clients in Maximizing Success & Fulfilling Goals with Peace and Balance.
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