Q:# Are you Afraid of CONFLICT?

In my coaching I've worked with numerous couples who are unhappy in their relationship and think of leaving.

They believe their unhappiness comes from their partner, where in reality, they're not taking responsibility for their own feelings within the relationship.

Eg. Danielle initially was convinced that her husband's lack of help & support, his anger, and his unwillingness to obey her requests were causing her unhappiness. After further coaching, she realized her unhappiness were caused by her not honoring herself and putting others needs before hers. . .not out of love, but - just to AVOID CONFLICT!

Why would Danielle not honor her needs? She puts herself last with more than than her husband, she does this with her friends, boss, colleagues and children.

What is causing her to do this? Even though she feels trapped and resentful . .. you guessed it: HER FEAR OF CONFLICT.

Conflict for many people is like the plague. For Danielle, her fear is so great that she's willing to do just about anything to prevent other people from being upset with her, even if it means sacrificing her own needs altogether.

Why would someone hate having others upset with them?

• At the core, they have very low self-esteem which results in low self worth and self confidence.
• They blame themselves as if they did something wrong and truly believe they caused the other person's upset.
• They take responsibility for other people's feelings and behaviors instead of only taking responsibility for their own.
• They believe they are causing the other person's upset instead of realizing the other person is getting upset by what they're telling themselves about your behavior.
• Finally, they believe they control the feelings and behaviors of other people and other people have control over their feelings too. Hmm...quite the concept, isn't it?

"If I don't want to do what you want and you get upset, am I causing your upset?" ~ No. Because your upset is coming from what you're telling yourself about me not wanting to do what you want. Is it reality?

Eg. Danielle's husband might say to himself, "She doesn't care about me anymore that's why she doesn't want to do this for me." It is this type of thought/perspective that will upset her husband.

Do you think Danielle's non-desire to do something for her husband is because she doesn't care about him? Not at all. Danielle likely wants to do something else with her time that is important to her needs and desires, and has nothing to do with loving her husband any less.

I want you to realize that when someone gets upset with you its because of what they are telling themselves rather than from you having done something wrong.

Keep in mind that initially, if you've been avoiding conflict, you have trained your partner to get angry and blame you in order for them to get what they want. As long as you continue this dysfunctional style of behavior/communication, and cave into the demands of your partner begrudgingly, they will continue to elicit the same behavior because it works in getting what they want...and the on going drama will continue...

There's no winning without embracing the fear of conflict!

Practice saying, 'I'm willing for others to be upset with me because I've done nothing to cause their upset or anything wrong.'

When you are willing for others to be upset with you knowing that you are not the cause of their feelings, then you're free to FULLY TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for your own feelings.

You will be kind, loving and respectful to yourself and others, instead of selling your needs short out of fear. The more you take responsibility for your own feelings and well being rather than for others, the more loving you will be toward those around you.

Taking responsibility for your partners feelings and well being rather than your own is one of the main issues that causes relationships to fail.
Learning how to take responsibility for your own feelings and well-being and not for others' feelings could help in healing your relationships!

Your Coach,

Nada

Nada Adams is a Business Intuitive who brings razor sharp Clarity to empower clients in Maximizing Success & Fulfilling Goals with Peace and Balance.

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